I was scrolling facebook and noticed a member of my husbands family expressing their pain she still experiences over the loss of her daughter and her sister.
She goes on to explain how her pain has been exacerbated by the disappointment she has felt by not having has dependable of a support system as she thought she did.
Although I had never met her in person, she had always extended kindness to me and my heart hurt for her.
Reading through her friends responses, I see this comment. “Let me know if there is anything I can do for you”
I truly believe this statement was made with the best of intentions, however I felt compelled to offer an alternative suggestion.
You see I’ve been there. I’ve been with sick children in a hospital, a father in critical condition, a death in my family and I have heard those words. Although it is comforting in the moment, it doesn’t lead to action.
The reality is, whatever is going on in their life that has compelled you to say that to begin with, will probably prevent them from reaching out to you when they are in need.
To be more transparent, they don’t even know what they need and if they do, they have enough on their brain to keep a Rolodex of who has offered to help and what the limitations of that help may be.
To break this down further, to tell someone “let me know if there is anything I can do” is likely made with the best of intentions, however it makes you feel better than it does the person you said it to. Essentially it transfers the guilt and responsibility of relief back onto them.
So what should you do instead? Offer your time or something tangible.
The extent of your offer should really reflect their need. Put yourself in their shoes. If you were struggling in the same manner, what would you need?
It could be something as simple as your time and just being present in their life – visiting them, or picking up the phone and giving them a call.
If their need is greater and you have the means consider a larger time or financial investment such as bringing them dinner, a gift card (gas, groceries, or a massage), taking their kids to school, paying the electric bill.
I know you wouldn’t have offered “something” if you didn’t care, so let’s just take it a step further.